“Death rituals such as funerals not only help you truly acknowledge a death and express your necessary feelings, but they also bring friends and family together to support one another” (Wolfelt, TAPS Magazine, Fall 2020). In addition to funerals, other rituals can help us as well: lighting candles, planting a tree, launching balloons, a memorial or “celebration of life,” etc. Put on your creative thinking cap to explore many more ideas and create your own.
Rituals are important: they help a person express grief; they help confirm the reality of the death; it can be an opportunity for social support and a sense of community; it’s an opportunity for “griefwork” and moving forward. A ritual affirms the connection with your loved one. A ritual is structured to “contain the grief.” If pandemic restrictions prevented a meaningful funeral shortly after the death of your loved one, you can plan one or more gatherings in the months to come. Or you can plan a private ritual that can be helpful as well. Here’s how:
The first step in creating a healing ritual is to determine the focus and purpose of the ritual. It could be to honor your loved one’s memory, to express grief over the loss and move forward with life, feel a connection with your loved one, to mark a transition, to confirm life continuity. Identify your support if desired; tell them the purpose of the ritual.
Next, choose the ritual elements. Who will be involved (yes, it could even be done through video chat)? What symbols will be used (music, silence, candles, poetry, etc.)? What symbolic acts will be added (burning written letters, scattering ashes, etc.)? What characteristics will make the ritual personally meaningful? It may take months to plan the ritual, or the ideas may come to you quickly.
Create the location and atmosphere.
- Prepare for the ritual.
- Implement the ritual.
- Afterward, process the ritual (in your own mind by journaling, or by communicating with others).
One popular ritual during holidays in November and December is often “lighting a candle.” Prepare ahead of time who will be there, what will each person say, what will you say, where will you place the candle, how long will you keep it lit. Who will blow it out? There is a popular video YouTube of a song by Paul Alexander called “Light a Candle.” Here are the words:
And I will light a candle for you/To shatter all the darkness and bless the times
we knew./Like a beacon in the night/The flame will burn bright and guide us on
our way./Oh, today I light a candle for you./The seasons come and go, and I’m weary from the change./I keep on moving on,
you know it’s not the same. And when I’m walking all alone/Do you hear me sing
the songs we used to sing?/You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprise,/Always saw that
something special deep within your eyes./ And through the good times and the
bad, We carried on with pride./ I hold onto the love and life we knew./And I will light a candle for you./To shatter all the darkness and bless the times
we knew./Like a beacon in the night/The flame will burn bright and guide us on
our way./Oh, today I light a candle for you.?
